Walk My Talk; Talk My Walk

Something weird is happening.

My life is unravelling before me…

This, on my 36th year of existence, jurassic by some standards, hardly the age for new beginnings.

One would have thought that motherhood would slow me down.  A five (5) month old baby that heartbreakingly clutches on me, a nine (9) year old boy I could hardly keep up with, a husband to pamper and pander to, a household to run, loads of officework to attend to….but no. 

In an uncanny sort of way, I find myself…

In a museum.

Rediscovering a childhood love for art,  

And rekindling past friendships.

 

Joining my first walkathon.

And, sans the bulging belly, loving it!

 

Opening a Food Order/Take-out Service.

Sharing my passion for food and finally living out a dream.

 

Joining Facebook (through the proddings of Blue Sneakers).

Finally coming to terms with a sordid high school past,

And, in a weird sort of way, discovering that I was well-liked(?) afterall.

 

I am putting myself out there. 

And it is scary, exciting, and joyous all at the same time!

There are moments I am filled with self-doubt, the chip on my shoulder sometimes a brick dragging me down.  I am still scared of judgment, of dismissal, of failure.  But the great thing about being at this age I guess is that I can now handle it, welcome it, and then chuck it all up to being just one of those things. 

And so, Feng Shui updates notwithstanding, I will go on that Carlos Celdran Imelda Tour,  I will enroll myself on that catering service training course, I will illustrate my friend’s children’s book, I will attend (sked permitting) our High School 20th Year Reunion, I will work my butt out to fit into that tiny black dress, and do more!

I will stand on a precipice and face my fears.  

I will ‘Walk my Talk’ and ‘Talk my Walk’.

I will allow the blessings of the Lord to wash over me, overwhelm me. 

I will go on this journey…

And experience what life has in store for me. 🙂

3 Years and Counting…

15 January 2009.

Three (3) years of marriage.

I’d like to say it has been blissful.

But that would be a lie.

As with all marriages, we have had our share of disagreements (who’s idea is better), arguments (who’s right), and catfights (Of course, I am!).  Sometimes I win (“Babe, where are my golf clubs?”), sometimes he wins (“Okay, you can have the red room as well”), other times there are just no winners (“I just had to walk it off.”  “I followed you.”)

There are days we understood each other…perfectly.  Acting in unison, melding into one.  Some days we just don’t see eye to eye.  (“Just WHO are YOU?!)

There are days we can’t have enough of each other; there are also days we can’t stand each other. (“Space” is not only a design concept; it is a human right!) 

My husband is not the same person I have met before. 

He no longer opens the car door for me (“kaya mo naman yan”), but he massages my legs at night and my back in the morning.  He no longer surprises me with flowers (Sayang lang) and gifts (Mahal) given in grand production (Arte), but he gave me a 20 gram white gold bracelet (that carries Nina’s initial) for Christmas.   He no longer kisses me with the same passion as when we were merely a couple, but I felt him tuck me in and kiss me goodnight in my sleep last night.

A friend once told me that there are things about one’s husband that one may not be able to agree with.  She failed to add that there are things about one’s husband that one will be able to love. 

Along with the booming voice and the sometimes abrasive tones are the sweet candid statements of hopes and dreams, the honest and vulnerable utterances of fears and apprehensions for the family’s future.  Along with the sometimes torturous fights are the sweet, heartbreaking, and oftentimes wacky, reconciliations.   Along with the cluttered guitars and the golfclubs on the hallway is the need and willingness to share one’s love and passion, to de-stress, to entertain, in front of the family, “with” the family.

Marriage is truly not what I envisioned it to be.

It has not been rosy, it has not been blissful at all.

But it has always been happy. 🙂

 

Revisiting the Year Past

The night air is cool.  It’s 3 a.m. and I’m once again up for my “date” with Nina.   As usual, mother and daughter revel in the quietness of the night (Nina full from her nighttime feeding) allowing me to have my thoughts do its own meandering. 

It’s another new year.  It looks promising.  I am hopeful.

I reflect upon the year past and, with the warm bundle in my arms, it is not difficult to see what it meant for me. 

I became a mother. 

And with that comes a year-long learning of how it is to nurture life within one’s self,

And the understanding of the sacrifice, selflessness and love that comes with raising one. 

To say that “the day one decides to have a child is the day one decides to wear her heart outside of her” is an understatement.  I am overwhelmed by the wealth and depth of emotion that wells up inside of me each time I look at Nina.  How I have produced such a beautiful child is a  wonder to me.  A true miracle.  To realize that she is mine, my own, brings aching joy in me. Renee Zellweger was wrong in saying  “you complete me” in reference to movie husband Tom Cruise.  No, my child completes me.  The love one has for one’s husband can never equal that which one has for one’s child.   She is simply a part of me.  And her small hands clutching mine, her bright wide eyes mirroring mine, will be a constant reminder of how she has become my heart. 

 

 I became a daughter.

I love my mom immensely.  We share a bond that, I must admit, only a few have.  But going through the throes of pregnancy and having a child have deepened our relationship even more.  She has always been my friend, my anchor, my confidante.  During my pregnancy, she was my eating buddy, my supplier of all those delectable cakes. 🙂  My mom brought me to the hospital when I was due to deliver.  She gave me a brave teary smile as they wheeled me to the delivery room.  She was the first one I saw when I gained consciousness, the first one to tell me I’m now a mom to a beautiful baby girl. 

They always tell me that I’m my mom’s favorite.  They speculate that it must be because I’m the sweetest among four girls, it must be because we have the same likes and dislikes.  Now, I know.  I’m her favorite because she can’t help it.  As each and every one of my siblings is also her favorite.  With each child is formed a bond fashioned not only by birth but by love, concern and selfless sacrifice.  Being a mother made me understand all that my mom did for me.  All the sacrifice she made for me.  All the dreams she dreamt for me.  And I love her more than ever.

 

And I became a friend.

Funny thing about being pregnant – it makes one available to others.  In my case, I was locked and shackled to the bed most of my first and third trimester, I was always available for a chat.  I became a friend, a confidante, a confessor and, in some days, a psychiatrist too.  “A” for “angst” would have been my baby’s first word. 🙂  

“F” for fun and foodtrip would be part of her vocabulary too.  I was “kaladkarin” as ever, available for coffee perks, dinner discussions and even morning breathers.  I gave love and was the recipient of love…tons of it.  The baby shower Blue Sneakers threw for me, acting in concert with mega events coordinator Ibyang, will always be one of my cherished moments.  Not because of all the gifts and merrymaking that went into it, but because it evoked “friendship” in its truest and deepest sense. Simply put, I felt loved.  I have always been blessed.  But to be blessed with such good friends is truly one absolute fulfillment.  

2008 was truly “the Bomb”! 

It celebrated life, love and friendship. 

I cannot help but be hopeful for 2009. 🙂

Nina’s Baptismal Celebration

Yesterday’s Eucharistic celebration was the Feast of the Baptism of Jesus.

Which reminded me that, after all the hoopla, I forgot to blog and post the pics of my daughter’s baptism!

It must have been the rush that comes with the season.  It must have been the burnt dress (yes, our helper burned the dress I intended to use for the occasion.  I cried a bucket and no one, save my friends, seem to understand why I was so distressed!) It must have been the daunting task of uploading a hundred photos… that I totally failed to write about it!  

But, here it is, (minus all the angst),  Nina’s Baptismal Celebration!  

 

“I baptize you in the name of the Father…

Of the son…

And of the Holy Spirit.

 

 

By this white garment you have “put on Christ”, have risen with Christ, anointed by the Holy Spirit, incorporated into Christ.

By this candle, lit from the Easter candle, Christ have enlightened you.  You are now “the light of the world.”

Your godparents shall assist and guide you to remain faithful in the Christian path.

You are now purified from all sins, a new creature, an adopted son of God, a partaker of the divine nature, a member of Christ and co-heir with him, and a temple of the Holy Spirit.

Welcome to your family of Christians…

Welcome to the Christian World!”

 

It was such a success…

 

We had to give thanks…through little cupcakes of love.

 

We felt the love.

 

And, most importantly, so did Nina. 🙂

A Happy, Happy New Year

Tuesday, 6 January 2009, 7:17 a.m., Fourth Division, Sandiganbayan.

The hallway is quiet, still a little dim.   A utility personnel passes by and greets me good morning.  I see that I’m the first one in court.

Three hours later, tired, I lagged myself back to the office.  It’s the first week of the year and I can’t believe I’ve just been to court!  I feel like singing Bugs Bunny – “Oh bury me now…under the prairie…!”

Fresh from the holidays, in good peaceful spirits, I somehow imagined that I’d be welcoming the new work year with more or less the same affable attitude.   But someone has filed a pleading and the court, seeming to have made diligence part of its new year’s resolution, quickly acted on it that I suddenly found myself dressed in my court attire, donning my court face.  

Don’t get me wrong, i love dressing up.  I enjoy fashion.  I have a haberdasher that regularly brings me cloths and two (2) seamstress with whom I enjoy collaborating with.  Suits are my work gear and, fortunately, they suit my built as well (i.e., they hide my unmentionables).  But there’s an attitude that goes with wearing suits.  Ramrod straight back, hair tied back in a bun, sure even strides, moderate voice, calculated moves.  Along with the black handbag (my black Coach bowling bag is my current favorite), the black pumps (dependable Enzos), and the South Sea Pearl earrings, suits exude power.  Authority and confidence written all over.  It signals me that I should prepare for business and assures me that I am.   

Ricky saw me this morning and asked “Mommy, are you going to a court battle?”  Suits are my armor.  I can have a shouting match with the best of them counsels and verbal assaults will just bounce off me.  I am afterall wearing a Zara blazer (or yari ni Manang Sara ;p).  Suits are my chosen outfit for any adversarial proceeding…

And it is just soo stressful.

Hindi siya masaya.  Not for this new year. 

Wearing them this early in the year saddens me, tires me out.  Blazers with those thick pads are already heavy to begin with, but the work associated with them makes it an even heavier burden. 

My director hands me a pile of transcripts from a previous hearing.  Opposing counsel did something foul, he directs me to fiercely oppose his every move.

I tell him, “How can I kick ass when love is in the air?” ;p

I feel that my maternal instincts have somehow blunted my razorsharp tongue.  All fight gone from me.  I feel very protective.  “Can I give the accused a hug instead?”  (Never mind that he has stolen millions of pesos in public funds ;p )

The air is cold.  To my mind, it is still the holidays.  Peace, prosperity and love for all mankind…Lea Salonga’s singing in my head.  Surely it’s not nice to start the new year “kicking ass”!?!  Can we not talk about it over a cup of coffee?

Director smiles, I smile.  We both know it won’t happen.  I’m simply being delusional. 

And so, once again, I wore my black blazer and donned my court face…

in this HAPPY, HAPPY New Year!

Highlands: Starting a New Tradition

Inspired by BFF Blue Sneakers’ belief to spend the new year away from home (and so welcome a year of travelling and discovery), I scheduled an overnight stay at the Tagaytay Highlands for my family.  

It was a lightning decision that ordinarily would not have cystallize into realization, given the Philippine holiday vacation madness and the exclusivity of the Highlands Country Club, if not for good friendships sewn along the way.  (I would have loved to say that I walked through the exclusive gates of the Highlands by sheer charm and beauty but really now that would be stretching literary license far too much. 🙂  ) 

 And so, on the 29th of December, we found ourselves enjoying the panoramic site and the cool breeze of the Highlands…

 

Celebrating love…

 

Life…

 

Family…

 

And basically just having lots of fun!

 

We may just have stumbled on a new tradition! 🙂