Walk My Talk; Talk My Walk

Something weird is happening.

My life is unravelling before me…

This, on my 36th year of existence, jurassic by some standards, hardly the age for new beginnings.

One would have thought that motherhood would slow me down.  A five (5) month old baby that heartbreakingly clutches on me, a nine (9) year old boy I could hardly keep up with, a husband to pamper and pander to, a household to run, loads of officework to attend to….but no. 

In an uncanny sort of way, I find myself…

In a museum.

Rediscovering a childhood love for art,  

And rekindling past friendships.

 

Joining my first walkathon.

And, sans the bulging belly, loving it!

 

Opening a Food Order/Take-out Service.

Sharing my passion for food and finally living out a dream.

 

Joining Facebook (through the proddings of Blue Sneakers).

Finally coming to terms with a sordid high school past,

And, in a weird sort of way, discovering that I was well-liked(?) afterall.

 

I am putting myself out there. 

And it is scary, exciting, and joyous all at the same time!

There are moments I am filled with self-doubt, the chip on my shoulder sometimes a brick dragging me down.  I am still scared of judgment, of dismissal, of failure.  But the great thing about being at this age I guess is that I can now handle it, welcome it, and then chuck it all up to being just one of those things. 

And so, Feng Shui updates notwithstanding, I will go on that Carlos Celdran Imelda Tour,  I will enroll myself on that catering service training course, I will illustrate my friend’s children’s book, I will attend (sked permitting) our High School 20th Year Reunion, I will work my butt out to fit into that tiny black dress, and do more!

I will stand on a precipice and face my fears.  

I will ‘Walk my Talk’ and ‘Talk my Walk’.

I will allow the blessings of the Lord to wash over me, overwhelm me. 

I will go on this journey…

And experience what life has in store for me. 🙂

Nina’s Baptismal Celebration

Yesterday’s Eucharistic celebration was the Feast of the Baptism of Jesus.

Which reminded me that, after all the hoopla, I forgot to blog and post the pics of my daughter’s baptism!

It must have been the rush that comes with the season.  It must have been the burnt dress (yes, our helper burned the dress I intended to use for the occasion.  I cried a bucket and no one, save my friends, seem to understand why I was so distressed!) It must have been the daunting task of uploading a hundred photos… that I totally failed to write about it!  

But, here it is, (minus all the angst),  Nina’s Baptismal Celebration!  

 

“I baptize you in the name of the Father…

Of the son…

And of the Holy Spirit.

 

 

By this white garment you have “put on Christ”, have risen with Christ, anointed by the Holy Spirit, incorporated into Christ.

By this candle, lit from the Easter candle, Christ have enlightened you.  You are now “the light of the world.”

Your godparents shall assist and guide you to remain faithful in the Christian path.

You are now purified from all sins, a new creature, an adopted son of God, a partaker of the divine nature, a member of Christ and co-heir with him, and a temple of the Holy Spirit.

Welcome to your family of Christians…

Welcome to the Christian World!”

 

It was such a success…

 

We had to give thanks…through little cupcakes of love.

 

We felt the love.

 

And, most importantly, so did Nina. 🙂

Baptism 101

It’s the day before my daughter’s baptism (cum practice debut 😉 ).  I have a million things to do and some are not falling into place as I expected.  I am suddenly jerked once again into the realization of what this affair truly is all about – my daughter will be welcomed into the family of  Christians!  Geez!  Surely this is more important than a failed tarpaulin design?!?

About three weeks ago, I started reading on the catechism of the Catholic Church and brushed up on the Sacrament of Baptism.

“Baptism constitutes the foundation of communion among all Christians, including those who are not yet in full communion with the Catholic Church: “For men who believe in Christ and have been properly baptized are put in some, though imperfect, communion with the Catholic Church.  Justfied by faith in Baptism, they are inocrporated into Christ; they therefore have a right to be called Christians, and with good reason are accepted as brothers by the children of the Catholic Church.”  “Baptism therefore constitues the sacramental bond of unity existing among all who through it are reborn.”

“The Holy Spirit has marked us with the seal of the Lord (“Dominicus character”) for the day of redemption.”  “Baptism indeed is the seal of eternal life.”  The faithful Christian who has “kept the seal” until the end, remaining faithful to the demands of his Baptism, will be able to depart this life “marked with the sign of faith”, with his baptismal faith, in expectation of the blessed vision of God – the consummation of faith – and in the hope of resurrection. 

Quite a mouthful there but basically, with her baptism, my daughter will now be an “adopted daughter of God”, who shall become a “partaker of the divine nature”, a member of Christ and “co-heir” with him, and a “temple of the Holy Spirit”.

Still lost?

Well, this simply means I should stop my frivolities and focus on the more important things. 

I have gotten so caught up with the preparations – the church, the reception venue, the decor and the giveaways, etc., that I almost forgot the true essence of this affair. 

We Filipinos have a habit of celebrating things on a grand scale.  Events like this are treated like a reunion, with about 50 guests that soon balloons to 100 or more.  It sometimes becomes a measurement of how far the couple has come in the social ladder  instead of a declaration of the completion of their love and commitment to make a family.  Godparents are selected with a view of widening their network or securing/paying back a favor.  Indeed, some of us have even listed a dozen or so godparents with a view of making them “giftsparents” and somehow recover the cost of reception. 

Incidentally, the role of godparents is to assist the parents in raising the child in her spiritual growth.  Godparents are called upon to teach the child to develop a lifelong relationship with the family of Jesus fully aware of the gift of faith and redemption and the responsibilities that comes along with being a Christian.  Thus, the Church requires that the godparent shares the faith of the parents of the child so as to enable him/her to fully comply with the obligation that comes with it.   No wonder Jennifer Lopez is receiving so much flak for getting Tom Cruise as godfather for her twins!  It will indeed be quite confusing for the Catholic twins to receive spiritual advice from their Scientologist godfather. 

Somehow, I can feel Ninang Blue cringing in her sneakers.  Haha!   Don’t worry, there’s no such tall order here.  It is sufficient that you be there for Nina, share her the world as you have shared it with me.  🙂

I intended to write letters to each of our chosen ninongs and ninangs – to let them know how each of them has been chosen with much consideration (not trivially nor by tradition), each of them embodying traits and a wealth of experience which we would like our child to draw from, each of them being so much “like us” that they can indeed stand as “second parents” to our daughter, but thought better of it.   Suffice to say, “Guys and Gurls, you are the Chosen Ones!  Thank you very much for accepting to be Nina’s Godparents!”  🙂

This said, I must now go.   As Cathechism or not, I still have that dress to buy!  🙂

And God Took Back His Angel

It seemed like a scene straight from the movies…

A young boy lying on a hospital bed, his lifeless body unresponsive. 

Except that this was no movie scene.  He was my husband’s nephew and this after all is our life.

It was a shock to see him lying still on the bed, heartwrenching to hug him and feel him cold.  

He was Manuel Carl or simply “MC” to us.  He was fair, happy and it was obvious that he has gained some weight this past year.  

Like every morning, MC drank his milk at 5 a.m.  His mom happily put him to sleep, gave him a kiss and placed him in his crib.  Four hours later, he has yet to turn or give a cringe in his crib.  He has turned blue.  A rush to the hospital proved futile,  he was declared “dead on arrival”. 

Doctors declared it was a case of “SIDS” – Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  There is no known conclusive cause of it.  It just happens.  There’s a one and a half percent (1.5 %) for it to happen to a baby.  It can happen to anyone. 

But how can it happen to us, how can it happen to them.

My sister in law recounted the morning over and over again, trying to decipher where she has missed, where she has been mistaken or negligent in taking care of her baby.  Hasn’t she been a good mother is a heart-wrenching question to hear.  Her husband stood quiet and still by the hallway, his knuckles bleeding from the punches made on the wall.  Has he not been a good provider that the Lord has chosen to take his youngest away, he asked.

All day long I listened to speeches of faith, prayer and God’s unknown design.  I even gave my own.  Willing for the couple to draw strength from these words and the family’s supportive embrace.

But how this can ebb the despair of a bleeding heart,  I am not sure.  No comforting words can ease the pain of a parent mourning over his/her child.  No parent is suppose to mourn over his/her child.  

MC will be laid to rest on Saturday, 10 a.m., in Meycauayan, Bulacan.  He was 18 months old.

Lucky Pick 36!

It’s Sunday. 

And for my husband, aside from the family and religious obligations, that means its lotto day.

As usual, he asks me for my numbers.  And as usual, I gave him the same numbers I always do – 18, 22, 26, 29, and 34, numbers that refer to the ages when milestones occured in my life.   

At 18 – I was welcomed into womanhood

At 22 – I became a woman

    26 – I became a lawyer

    29 – I met my soulmate

At 34 – I married him.

But the lotto requires six numbers, I have never been able to complete it…

Until today.

I am 36 years old.

I am trying to decipher and entangle my emotions and have come to the conclusion that I have yet again reached a milestone.

My friend Ibyang sums it well on her birthday greeting –

“Good a.m. b-day mom! You are super blessed – a loving and supportive husband, a beautiful and healthy daughter, close family, loyal friends, good job where you make a difference, a nice and comfy home, plus a wealth of memories of travel, yummy eats and fine living.  Happy 36 years of the good life!”

I truly have had a good life.  My heart is overflowing with love received and given, my spirit strong with challenges faced and hurdled, lessons learned along the way, and my stomach is full too.  I look at my daughter, her smile reflecting that of her father’s, and realize how at 36 I have truly been blessed.  

Yes, apart from winning the lotto, I cannot ask for anything more.  🙂

The Many Faces of an Angel

 

Nothing can prepare you for the first sight of your child.

 

You wonder for nine months how she will look like.  Will she take after her dad or will she take after you?  You devise ways in which to somehow manage and control her DNA, be it through food (eat lots of oranges and apples) or through “kasabihan” or “pamahiin” (stay away from dinuguan, do not watch horror films etc.), and pray to God that she will come out like the Philippines’ next supermodel.

 

But, as I have discovered, whatever your child looks like, an immense sort of awe, wonder and amazement will always engulf you.  Did this child come from me?  How did this happen? 

 

Immeasurable love for this little vulnerable package will consume you. 

 

You look at her sleepy peaceful face and think that an angel has literally descended from heaven. 

 

 

 

 

Her every smile becomes a smile for you.

 

 

 

Her every twist and cringe grips your heart.  

 

 

 

 

Her simple whimper becomes a loud cry for comfort. 

 

 

Your whole world has somehow evolved to solely focus on nothing but this little bundle of joy. Damn your career and that whirlwind of a social life you had. You would only want to protect her and at the same time wish for her everything that’s good in the world to see and experience. 

 

Motherhood indeed brings you full circle.  It suddenly explained all the times that your parents were strict with you.  It explained why, despite the coming-of-age argument, parents will still insist on being informed of your whereabouts. 

 

I look at this bundle in my arms and I am clutched with fear.  Will I be able to protect her from the evils of the world?  And in those times that I or her dad won’t be there, will she be able to handle the challenges of life on her own?  

 

I can only raise her with love, nurture her and leave the rest to God. 

 

Faith suddenly had more meaning.

 

 

 

The Brown Scapular

On 16 July 1251, the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared to Saint Simon Stock of the Carmelite Order, holding in her hands the brown scapular. 

She said, “Receive, my beloved son, this scapular.  Whomsoever dies wearing it shall not suffer eternal fire.  It is a sign of salvation. A safeguard in danger and a pledge of my special protection till the end of times.”

As a sign of my reunion with Mama Mary, I had a priest invest a brown scapular on me as I consecrated myself to the Blessed Mother. More than a guarantee against eternal damnation, it is a pledge of faith. 

Anton was with me then as he refused to leave my side at the Church.  I explained the gift of the brown scapular to him and he witnessed its investiture on me by the priest.  Later, as he voluntarily reached and kissed the scapular hanging on my neck, I was happily surprised to see he understood its meaning. 

 

Restored & Reunited

I feel especially blessed to have been able to attend the feast of the Blessed Mother of Lourdes at its Shrine in Quezon City.  I took a half day from the office and went with my mom.

Pope Beneditct XVI has decreed that whomsoever attends the feast of the Blessed Mother of Lourdes in any of her shrines will receive plenary indulgence.  I am so happy to have been able to receive the blessing.

More than anything else, today marks my reunion with Mama Mary as her child.  I have been waylaid for a while, confused about her role in my spiritual life (mainly due to my past associations).  Today I have been restored and reunited.  (I have been reading Vassula’s Conversations with Jesus). 

I now recognize that my mom’s greatest legacy to me is her faith.  I pray that, in time, it be my legacy to my child.