Unsettling Calm

I’ve always prided myself for being calm. 

In high school, I remember Mrs. R, my english teacher, saying she could never read me.  Nothing profound to be read in the comment.  Back then, announcing a surprise quiz was enough to elicit a jolt on any student! But not me, I guess.  I was simply, in today’s language, “deadma”.  I figured it was one of those things I have no control of – teacher’s whims, there will be a quiz whether I like it or, and it was best to keep my wits together. 

And this is how it was and still is, I would remain cool even in the most challenging of times, scary times, and on occasions that I am not, I would  just give the air of it. 

An important pleading was due for filing the following Monday.  It was Friday and I have yet to write a word.  My thoughts were going crazy,  I have yet to hold on a solid convincing argument.  But I calmly told my superiors they’ll have it on their table early Monday morning.  And so they did.

Two (2) witnesses did not show up as scheduled, leaving me with only one (1) who I haven’t even talked to much less prepared.  Court asks if I was ready.  Told them I was.  Elicited answers from my witness for more or less an hour, for questions I developed along the way.    Even if deep inside, I wanted to wring the neck of my co-prosecutor for his botched subpoena. 

I am Ms. Cool, calm under pressure.

I am Superwoman, able to juggle the demands of work and motherhood all together.

I am Chill Babe, a ready smile and a thumbs up sign always available to anyone.

 

Until I cried buckets for another contestant being voted off “American Idol”.  

My heart ached for this young man who despite his “incapacities/challenges” was able to become a musical inspiration to the world.

But deeper was my pain for myself, untold, withheld.

It was then that I realized that I was…tired.  Oh, so tired.

 

I was tired of work, I was tired of doing errands and household chores.

I was tired of staying up late for Nina.  (Oh, how bad that sounds!)

I was tired of being Ms. Cool.  Chillin when I didn’t have to.

When there was so much to be said.

So much that had to be revealed and let out.

 

Sometimes, there’s no pride in being calm.