Unsettling Calm

I’ve always prided myself for being calm. 

In high school, I remember Mrs. R, my english teacher, saying she could never read me.  Nothing profound to be read in the comment.  Back then, announcing a surprise quiz was enough to elicit a jolt on any student! But not me, I guess.  I was simply, in today’s language, “deadma”.  I figured it was one of those things I have no control of – teacher’s whims, there will be a quiz whether I like it or, and it was best to keep my wits together. 

And this is how it was and still is, I would remain cool even in the most challenging of times, scary times, and on occasions that I am not, I would  just give the air of it. 

An important pleading was due for filing the following Monday.  It was Friday and I have yet to write a word.  My thoughts were going crazy,  I have yet to hold on a solid convincing argument.  But I calmly told my superiors they’ll have it on their table early Monday morning.  And so they did.

Two (2) witnesses did not show up as scheduled, leaving me with only one (1) who I haven’t even talked to much less prepared.  Court asks if I was ready.  Told them I was.  Elicited answers from my witness for more or less an hour, for questions I developed along the way.    Even if deep inside, I wanted to wring the neck of my co-prosecutor for his botched subpoena. 

I am Ms. Cool, calm under pressure.

I am Superwoman, able to juggle the demands of work and motherhood all together.

I am Chill Babe, a ready smile and a thumbs up sign always available to anyone.

 

Until I cried buckets for another contestant being voted off “American Idol”.  

My heart ached for this young man who despite his “incapacities/challenges” was able to become a musical inspiration to the world.

But deeper was my pain for myself, untold, withheld.

It was then that I realized that I was…tired.  Oh, so tired.

 

I was tired of work, I was tired of doing errands and household chores.

I was tired of staying up late for Nina.  (Oh, how bad that sounds!)

I was tired of being Ms. Cool.  Chillin when I didn’t have to.

When there was so much to be said.

So much that had to be revealed and let out.

 

Sometimes, there’s no pride in being calm. 

 
  

 

Beware of stalkers!

What would you do when you find out that your ex has been stalking you all these years?

( )  Jump in jubilation

( )  Scream in horror

( )  Stalk him back

( )  Have a manicure and let it pass

(  )  None of the above

( )  All of the above

 

I found out recently that my ex viewed my friendster account.  If that wasn’t enough of a surprise, he even added that he has already seen a picture of my daughter and all of the other pictures posted in my profile. 

There are more or less eight (8) albums in my friendster account, each chronicling the milestones in my life.  From my wedding, the birthday of my son, my pregnancy countdown, baby shower, nina’s baptism, nina’s monthly birthdays, etc.  These are pictures I hold dear as they celebrate my family life, my relationship with the people I love.  These are pictures I posted to share with my sister abroad and other friends who have since left the country so that they may celebrate with me in my joy, my tears and my growth.  These are not open for gawking, these are not open for curious on-lookers, certainly not open to exes whom I have already sworn out of my life.

To say that I feel violated is an understatement. 

Ibyang says that I must feel like someone took a peek at me.

No, its worse than that. 

I feel like someone invaded my home and took the very part of me.  

He barged into our bedroom and into our family life. 

He shared in our laughter, our tears and our joy.

He has no business doing that. 

Whatever his motivations might be, I know it is not coming from a sincere heart.  The act of stalking by itself being a dishonest act.

Some may feel that I should rejoice in the knowledge that he is not yet over me.  That he has gone through lengths to know where I was and how I was doing.  That until now he is still pining for me. 

But the thing is I AM over him.  And he should respect that.

25 Random Things About Me

This is derived from Facebook.  Thought to share it here for those who don’t have any FB account (Hi Ibyang!  Hehe!)  Anyways, these are 25 NOT so random things about me (It took me more than an hour to finish this!)  It’s also a fun way to assess how well I know myself (which turned out to be not so well, sigh!).  Read on and see how well you know me too!  Feel free to add some random things about me too.  You might know me better than I know myself.  Hehe!

(Facebook Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.)

 

 x————————————————————————————————————————x

 

        1.       I   can talk a mile.  Complete with all the curves, adjacent and trajectories.  One has to keep up as I forget my original topic at times.  J

 

2.       I’m a good listener.  It’s the least I can do for having one suffer my talk. J

 

3.       “Suplada” and “mayabang” are always, always people’s first impression of me. 

 

4.       The first impression doesn’t usually last. J

 

5.       I think I am funny. My friends tell me I’m witty. My family doesn’t believe any of these.

 

6.       I have many faces.  I have my lawyer face when I’m all serious and stressed out, I have my professor face when I look respectable and credible, etc.  But of all these faces, I am most comfortable with my “bungisngis” face reserved for family and friends.

 

7.       I was the subject of a bull session in high school…twice!  The mean girls resented that I spoke English or the fact that I was doing well in class.  According to them, I stole the recitation answers from them. Duh?

 

8.       I and BFF always thought that we were “chubby” in high school.  We walked miles and tried almost all diet fads to lose weight only to discover that we weren’t after all that “chubby” back then.

 

9.       I was nominated to join Ms. SBC in law school.  Yep, hard to believe, but I was popular…especially with the boys.  All the walking and dieting paid off and I was suddenly no longer obscure.  Then BF however ditched my dreams into becoming a beauty queen. Sigh! 😛

 

10.   I’m tough in court and in class, but I’m a push-over when it comes to my family.

 

11.   I was asked to play basketball for the school’s varsity team.  I was in grade 5.  My parents did not allow me as it was not such a girly sport.  I lost the gift then.  I never played again.

 

12.   I spoke Spanish in college well-enough for the Spanish Embassy to offer me a scholarship to study in Spain.  Any course.  As long as the language was perpetuated.  My knowledge of Spanish now is limited to what Dora the Explorer tells me. J

 

13.   I love watching movies!  My fondest memory was watching three Filipino movies all in a single day for only P 30 each.  That left me with P 10 for my fare to SM City.   I had sandwiches and juice in my backpack for refreshments.  It’s  one of the coolest adventures I’ve had ever.

 

14.   I’m a few units short of having a minor in English.  Not studying grammar but English and American literature.  I took all those extra units as an excuse to read nineteenth and 20th century authors.  Curiously, I majored in Political Science. And there is nothing literary about it, believe me!

 

15.   I cook…well-enough for people to pay for it.  In college, I earned extra money selling polvoron (a recipe I learned from my mother).  In law school, I sold carrot cake (recipe courtesy of BFF’s  mom).  I’m doing gourmet cooking now.  Orders anyone?  J

 

16.   I am open-minded. People think I’m very conservative but you can actually tell me that you’re a swinger, or that you enjoy making out with your boyfriend’s best friend, and I won’t bat an eyelash. 

 

17.   I draw.  I would have auditioned at the UP Fine Arts if only my parents didn’t think it was not a “real course”.   My art is now limited to doing “art attack” with my nephews.

 

18.   I am the “Coolest Tata” ever!  This, according to my nephews and nieces with whom I play Bakugan, Pokemon and computer games with.  I do Mad Science and Art Attacks, organize slumber parties, halloweens and treasure hunts.  I am “Tata Fun” to them.

 

19.   I love the 80s!  I know the Duran Duran songs by heart as much as I know the Tears for Fears dance hand moves.  I also love  Mazinger Z, Daimos and Voltes V.  I am among the few who knows the connection between Steve and Prince Zardos. 

 

20.   I have a pretty good memory.  I can remember conversations from decades ago, complete with exclamations, surroundings and outfits galore. 

 

21.   I host events and parties.  Quite well, I heard.  From children’s parties to weddings, formal black tie affairs to election campaigns, I have done it.  I will dance, sing and even render a poem just to make sure the event turns into a success.  (Ang hirap rumaket!)

 

22.   I write.  I won first prize for a Filipino short story back in college.  I thought I’d go for a Palanca next.  But I never did.  Nowadays, I’m happy to be just blogging. 

 

23.   I am a moderate Filipino language purist, “katamtamang Purista”.    I am not an extremist, I think “salong pwet” was concocted by an overzealous and insecure mind.  I believe that there is enough in the Filipino vocabulary that can describe most things out there.  I don’t think a word becomes Filipino simply by putting an “A” or an “O” at the end of it.   The language can evolve beyond that. 

 

24.   I am a very “sensitive” person.  A feeler, says a clairvoyant. Psychic says BFF.  I have great empathy for others.  I usually know a person’s emotions before she can even articulate it.  I can tell when an argument is about to erupt minutes before the trigger is said.  I absorb other people’s emotions and energy (much to my dismay).  I can sense when I am needed by a friend or family member even when they are miles away.

 

25.   I have a very good connection with my God.  I know that whatever happens in my life, whatever obstacles there may be, I will turn out fine.   I have claimed and have realized that I am the recipient of God’s many blessings.  I have great faith in God’s faithfulness to me. J

 

 

 

 

Walk My Talk; Talk My Walk

Something weird is happening.

My life is unravelling before me…

This, on my 36th year of existence, jurassic by some standards, hardly the age for new beginnings.

One would have thought that motherhood would slow me down.  A five (5) month old baby that heartbreakingly clutches on me, a nine (9) year old boy I could hardly keep up with, a husband to pamper and pander to, a household to run, loads of officework to attend to….but no. 

In an uncanny sort of way, I find myself…

In a museum.

Rediscovering a childhood love for art,  

And rekindling past friendships.

 

Joining my first walkathon.

And, sans the bulging belly, loving it!

 

Opening a Food Order/Take-out Service.

Sharing my passion for food and finally living out a dream.

 

Joining Facebook (through the proddings of Blue Sneakers).

Finally coming to terms with a sordid high school past,

And, in a weird sort of way, discovering that I was well-liked(?) afterall.

 

I am putting myself out there. 

And it is scary, exciting, and joyous all at the same time!

There are moments I am filled with self-doubt, the chip on my shoulder sometimes a brick dragging me down.  I am still scared of judgment, of dismissal, of failure.  But the great thing about being at this age I guess is that I can now handle it, welcome it, and then chuck it all up to being just one of those things. 

And so, Feng Shui updates notwithstanding, I will go on that Carlos Celdran Imelda Tour,  I will enroll myself on that catering service training course, I will illustrate my friend’s children’s book, I will attend (sked permitting) our High School 20th Year Reunion, I will work my butt out to fit into that tiny black dress, and do more!

I will stand on a precipice and face my fears.  

I will ‘Walk my Talk’ and ‘Talk my Walk’.

I will allow the blessings of the Lord to wash over me, overwhelm me. 

I will go on this journey…

And experience what life has in store for me. 🙂

A Happy, Happy New Year

Tuesday, 6 January 2009, 7:17 a.m., Fourth Division, Sandiganbayan.

The hallway is quiet, still a little dim.   A utility personnel passes by and greets me good morning.  I see that I’m the first one in court.

Three hours later, tired, I lagged myself back to the office.  It’s the first week of the year and I can’t believe I’ve just been to court!  I feel like singing Bugs Bunny – “Oh bury me now…under the prairie…!”

Fresh from the holidays, in good peaceful spirits, I somehow imagined that I’d be welcoming the new work year with more or less the same affable attitude.   But someone has filed a pleading and the court, seeming to have made diligence part of its new year’s resolution, quickly acted on it that I suddenly found myself dressed in my court attire, donning my court face.  

Don’t get me wrong, i love dressing up.  I enjoy fashion.  I have a haberdasher that regularly brings me cloths and two (2) seamstress with whom I enjoy collaborating with.  Suits are my work gear and, fortunately, they suit my built as well (i.e., they hide my unmentionables).  But there’s an attitude that goes with wearing suits.  Ramrod straight back, hair tied back in a bun, sure even strides, moderate voice, calculated moves.  Along with the black handbag (my black Coach bowling bag is my current favorite), the black pumps (dependable Enzos), and the South Sea Pearl earrings, suits exude power.  Authority and confidence written all over.  It signals me that I should prepare for business and assures me that I am.   

Ricky saw me this morning and asked “Mommy, are you going to a court battle?”  Suits are my armor.  I can have a shouting match with the best of them counsels and verbal assaults will just bounce off me.  I am afterall wearing a Zara blazer (or yari ni Manang Sara ;p).  Suits are my chosen outfit for any adversarial proceeding…

And it is just soo stressful.

Hindi siya masaya.  Not for this new year. 

Wearing them this early in the year saddens me, tires me out.  Blazers with those thick pads are already heavy to begin with, but the work associated with them makes it an even heavier burden. 

My director hands me a pile of transcripts from a previous hearing.  Opposing counsel did something foul, he directs me to fiercely oppose his every move.

I tell him, “How can I kick ass when love is in the air?” ;p

I feel that my maternal instincts have somehow blunted my razorsharp tongue.  All fight gone from me.  I feel very protective.  “Can I give the accused a hug instead?”  (Never mind that he has stolen millions of pesos in public funds ;p )

The air is cold.  To my mind, it is still the holidays.  Peace, prosperity and love for all mankind…Lea Salonga’s singing in my head.  Surely it’s not nice to start the new year “kicking ass”!?!  Can we not talk about it over a cup of coffee?

Director smiles, I smile.  We both know it won’t happen.  I’m simply being delusional. 

And so, once again, I wore my black blazer and donned my court face…

in this HAPPY, HAPPY New Year!

Baptism 101

It’s the day before my daughter’s baptism (cum practice debut 😉 ).  I have a million things to do and some are not falling into place as I expected.  I am suddenly jerked once again into the realization of what this affair truly is all about – my daughter will be welcomed into the family of  Christians!  Geez!  Surely this is more important than a failed tarpaulin design?!?

About three weeks ago, I started reading on the catechism of the Catholic Church and brushed up on the Sacrament of Baptism.

“Baptism constitutes the foundation of communion among all Christians, including those who are not yet in full communion with the Catholic Church: “For men who believe in Christ and have been properly baptized are put in some, though imperfect, communion with the Catholic Church.  Justfied by faith in Baptism, they are inocrporated into Christ; they therefore have a right to be called Christians, and with good reason are accepted as brothers by the children of the Catholic Church.”  “Baptism therefore constitues the sacramental bond of unity existing among all who through it are reborn.”

“The Holy Spirit has marked us with the seal of the Lord (“Dominicus character”) for the day of redemption.”  “Baptism indeed is the seal of eternal life.”  The faithful Christian who has “kept the seal” until the end, remaining faithful to the demands of his Baptism, will be able to depart this life “marked with the sign of faith”, with his baptismal faith, in expectation of the blessed vision of God – the consummation of faith – and in the hope of resurrection. 

Quite a mouthful there but basically, with her baptism, my daughter will now be an “adopted daughter of God”, who shall become a “partaker of the divine nature”, a member of Christ and “co-heir” with him, and a “temple of the Holy Spirit”.

Still lost?

Well, this simply means I should stop my frivolities and focus on the more important things. 

I have gotten so caught up with the preparations – the church, the reception venue, the decor and the giveaways, etc., that I almost forgot the true essence of this affair. 

We Filipinos have a habit of celebrating things on a grand scale.  Events like this are treated like a reunion, with about 50 guests that soon balloons to 100 or more.  It sometimes becomes a measurement of how far the couple has come in the social ladder  instead of a declaration of the completion of their love and commitment to make a family.  Godparents are selected with a view of widening their network or securing/paying back a favor.  Indeed, some of us have even listed a dozen or so godparents with a view of making them “giftsparents” and somehow recover the cost of reception. 

Incidentally, the role of godparents is to assist the parents in raising the child in her spiritual growth.  Godparents are called upon to teach the child to develop a lifelong relationship with the family of Jesus fully aware of the gift of faith and redemption and the responsibilities that comes along with being a Christian.  Thus, the Church requires that the godparent shares the faith of the parents of the child so as to enable him/her to fully comply with the obligation that comes with it.   No wonder Jennifer Lopez is receiving so much flak for getting Tom Cruise as godfather for her twins!  It will indeed be quite confusing for the Catholic twins to receive spiritual advice from their Scientologist godfather. 

Somehow, I can feel Ninang Blue cringing in her sneakers.  Haha!   Don’t worry, there’s no such tall order here.  It is sufficient that you be there for Nina, share her the world as you have shared it with me.  🙂

I intended to write letters to each of our chosen ninongs and ninangs – to let them know how each of them has been chosen with much consideration (not trivially nor by tradition), each of them embodying traits and a wealth of experience which we would like our child to draw from, each of them being so much “like us” that they can indeed stand as “second parents” to our daughter, but thought better of it.   Suffice to say, “Guys and Gurls, you are the Chosen Ones!  Thank you very much for accepting to be Nina’s Godparents!”  🙂

This said, I must now go.   As Cathechism or not, I still have that dress to buy!  🙂

And God Took Back His Angel

It seemed like a scene straight from the movies…

A young boy lying on a hospital bed, his lifeless body unresponsive. 

Except that this was no movie scene.  He was my husband’s nephew and this after all is our life.

It was a shock to see him lying still on the bed, heartwrenching to hug him and feel him cold.  

He was Manuel Carl or simply “MC” to us.  He was fair, happy and it was obvious that he has gained some weight this past year.  

Like every morning, MC drank his milk at 5 a.m.  His mom happily put him to sleep, gave him a kiss and placed him in his crib.  Four hours later, he has yet to turn or give a cringe in his crib.  He has turned blue.  A rush to the hospital proved futile,  he was declared “dead on arrival”. 

Doctors declared it was a case of “SIDS” – Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  There is no known conclusive cause of it.  It just happens.  There’s a one and a half percent (1.5 %) for it to happen to a baby.  It can happen to anyone. 

But how can it happen to us, how can it happen to them.

My sister in law recounted the morning over and over again, trying to decipher where she has missed, where she has been mistaken or negligent in taking care of her baby.  Hasn’t she been a good mother is a heart-wrenching question to hear.  Her husband stood quiet and still by the hallway, his knuckles bleeding from the punches made on the wall.  Has he not been a good provider that the Lord has chosen to take his youngest away, he asked.

All day long I listened to speeches of faith, prayer and God’s unknown design.  I even gave my own.  Willing for the couple to draw strength from these words and the family’s supportive embrace.

But how this can ebb the despair of a bleeding heart,  I am not sure.  No comforting words can ease the pain of a parent mourning over his/her child.  No parent is suppose to mourn over his/her child.  

MC will be laid to rest on Saturday, 10 a.m., in Meycauayan, Bulacan.  He was 18 months old.

Farewell to a Friend

Last night I bid farewell to a friend.

I arrived at home to discover that he was already gone, taking with him a myriad of happy memories…

 

He was there when I first saw Mr. P, his gleaming blue skin shining brightly in the sun, adding weight to an already good impression. 

He was there when I finally gave my “yes” to a love offered, his approval roaring loudly in the air. 

He was there during those cold Christmas nights as we cruised along canopies of christmas lights dreaming of a future of togetherness. 

He was there when I sobbed my first cry, his chrome arms a welcome comfort.  He lost his night-vision head then, adding to my despair. 

 

Together, we enjoyed the kiss of the summer sun and breathe the cool air of the December sky.

We joined hands in prayer for every celebration and occasion – a wedding, a new home, a new baby.

He rejoiced with us, he despaired with us, he must have thought it will be forever…

Until yesterday.

 

The buyer called in the morning. 

For the first time in 10 years, he fell. 

Mr. P said his leg must have broken from the weight.

I said it was more like a broken spirit.  

The buyer arrived in the afternoon.

He fell yet again.

He must have known it was the end of our relationship.  

His way of saying goodbye. 

 

I arrived at home to discover that he was already gone, taking with him a myriad of happy memories.

Farewell dear friend, you have served us well.

Future Lawyer

Wouldn’t it be nice if lawyers look as serene as this? 

Inquisitive eyes interestedly looking back at you, instead of inquisatorial ones glaring back.  

Then perhaps every controversy can be resolved with calm and equanimity, not raging heads and flying tempers. 

 

Objections can easily be quiet down by pink pacifiers, damages reduced to bottle-filled milk.

Allegations will be musical sounds from stuffed alligators, motions the gentle rocking of the cot.

 

 

 

 Its a dream I wish for my daughter, but a wistful and funny one. 

But that’s alright as I’m sure she can always stare anyone down when need be. 🙂

Mr. Superhero

Kapatid,

Natanaw na naman kita ngayong umaga

Suot ang iyong bandilang kapang

Naglalayag sa ihip ng hanging umaga.

 

Bughaw at pula

ngumingiti sa gitna ng sikat ng araw.

Ano kaya ang sasabihin ng Inang Bayan

sa tagpi-tagpi mong kasuotan?

 

Kapatid,

Nasisilaw ako sa kinang ng iyong helmet.

Ukit na mga letra nito’y sumasayaw

sa bagsak ng iyong bawat yapak.

 

Kubli nito mga mata

na masusing nagmamatyag. 

May hinagpis ba sa buhay

nakaraan ika’y tinatakbuhan?

 

At aba, Kapatid,

may dilaw na boomerang ka pa!

Sukbit sa dating taling

taglay ng iyong light saber.

 

Kapag hinagis ay bumabalik

bumabatingaw sa langit.

Ilang mga pagsubok na ba 

ang iyong hinarap at nilagpasan? 

 

Ahh, Kapatid,

Ako’y naiinggit sa malaya mong kaisipan.

Bulag sa hirap at sakit 

sa mundo mong ginagalawan.

 

Hindi ko nanaisin na ika’y himukin

bumalik sa iyong kamalayan.

Sino ako para sabihin

Na ang mundo ko’y nakakalamang?

 

Sya, Kapatid,

Sana ay matanaw kita

Ang iyong tagpi-tagping bandilang kapa

Bukas muli ng umaga.